Monday, February 11, 2013

on the real real real

Galileo art print :)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit
Psalm 34:18

this verse tends to seem a bit dramatic. I've kind of avoided it in the past because of that. I feel that any brokenhearted-ness I've experienced doesn't apply here.

There have been many moments in the past year or so where I've struggled with brokenhearted-ness. And I always hesitate to share it with others. I pray about it, go before the Lord, and just try to grin-and-bear-it. I put on my big girl pants, and a big happy face, thinking that if I acknowledge these fears and weak moments to others, it will show that I am not content. Even when I am. I fear that things are either black or white. I can either be content, or struggling. Not both at the same time.
There are a few things wrong with that.

First, I was not seeking the encouragement and prayers I needed. And that robs me of a lot, but it also robs loved ones of a chance to pray for me. I know that I am always happy to pray for others. It's great to stand with them in that way. But I am preventing others form doing that for m, because i don't want to acknowledge where I am struggling.
That's stupid.

Second, sharing times where I am weak and struggling isn't showing that I am discontent. I am actually really content where I am right now. My life is pretty awesome, and I am incredibly grateful to the Lord for that.
It's ok to get exhausted with fighting for joy. And honestly, I have been lately. So weary.

I'm allowed to have weak days. Especially if they are influenced by the calendar (WINK WINK LADIES...)
(side note: watch this. It's hilarious.)

or upcoming holidays this month (sigh. So stupid.). That isn't a bad thing. Ignoring those moments is a huge mistake. Because, by pushing them down, they can take up residence in my heart, making themselves comfortable in that dark corner and taking root. I don't want that. But calling those moments out, laying them before the Lord and seeking friends...that allows the Lord to shine light on them, and allows me to deal with them. So I can get back to being content and where the Lord has me. 

There are many things that have helped.
First, this song

It is one of my favorites from Hillsong United. I listen to it on repeat most mornings.

Second, is reading the rest of Psalm 34...letting the rest of the words bring hope.
For example:
I sought the Lord and he answered me
and delivered me from my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles
The angel of the Lord encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.

I've let others encourage me with their prayers and sweet emails. My friends have been very vocal about this. They've let me know in great detail what they've been praying for. And I've sought them out. I've been honest, humble, transparent and a mess (when needed). And they have loved me in it, even during ugly crying.

Also, remembering that the Lord already knows my heart. He knows when it aches
Proverbs 13 says
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

See? He knows. He isn't watching me have a meltdown, with his mouth hanging open and a disgusted look on his face saying "What. The. wrong with her??? Oh my ME...girl needs to CHILL-LAX!"

Another in the present. That sounds so cliche. I know. But I have to. I let my mind wander. sometimes i let it go 5 minutes or 5 years down the road. Money. Work. Marriage. Kids. I let scenarios play out. Wishful thinking, fearful's not helpful at all. Or sometimes I let myself go down memory lane, dwelling on things that have happened, questioning what they mean, wishing i had done something differently. That isn't helpful either. But if I am here, in the present, dwelling where the Lord has me, I can rest in that. I won't be anxious for what's next. I will be able to see every good and perfect thing He is freely giving me. That is SO hard for me to do. But I'm doing it, DANG IT!

Lastly, rejoicing in what IS happening now. Everything. From my best guy turning 1 next month, to a great night out with my best friend (which hadn't happened in a looong time, thanks to the aforementioned "best guy" who is turning 1) to sweet, unexpected texts from friends, telling me that they are the fact that my long-time-love Justin Timberlake is releasing a new album after 7 years. his new single on repeat all day. It's awesome. And I have actually alloweed myself to think he is singing to me. Because who wouldn't want this song to be about them?

I've listened to 

So there you go. The big, ugly truth. Just gettin' real with ya'll.
God is good
He loves me, he knows my frame, and he cares for my heart.
So, I'm good.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Also know that, in your darkest moments, I will always be there, no matter far away, if you need me. I know I don't tell you that enough, for which I ask for your forgiveness.

And, that I love you more than my own life. Refer to my previous statement.