but more of a "is this basically just my journal that others have access to, but don't look at, so i can actually get super personal on here and it will be cool" way
like, i can be sporadic with my capitalization. no one to judge me.
I don't think i full out suffer from anxiety issues. it's not crippling. it's not constant. but when it comes, i feel it.
it's that ache in the pit of my stomach. and no matter how much i pray and reason, no matter how clear my head gets, no matter how much perspective i have...it's there. until it's not. until the thing is resolved.
it can come from anything.
it's just there.
i've been experiencing it this week. well, since friday.
and i've been proactive. not just about the circumstance (because it's always circumstance) but with my heart.
i've thought about worse situations. people i met back around Christmas who had no job. who were happy to work a 3 week job with little pay. An amazing woman who was homeless, caring and providing for her daughter. and no one knew.
i think of people who i see walking by my office to the job security office next door. some take several buses to get there.
i think back to last summer when i was waiting to get a job
and had major car repairs
i think of people waiting to hear back on medical diagnosis. who are bracing themselves for that phone call.
i think of people who will never live a life like mine. and that helps
i think of my heavenly Father. Who knows. He knows each circumstance. He knows each fear. He already has the resolution.
He knows what tempts my heart to fear. He hears each prayer. He knows each thought, even the silent ones i'm afraid to admit to Him.
He loves me. Guys, He full out loves me. Crazy.
I sometimes re-watch the Francis Chan video about being in awe of God. It helps. It reminds me that God isn't tied up in my problem. It's not like a knot that he is putting all his time and energy into fixing. He's got it. It's done. He didn't have to physically do a thing. It's ok. He's not bogged down by me. He's got a huge amazing universe under his control.
Why am I still anxious then?
Because though I know it, though I repeat it over and over, I haven't seen this one thing resolve yet. My faith is little. I know He will. I've seen him do it so many times. But my faith is small. Until it's done, that feeling will stay. It can be soothed, it can be quieted. but it's there. And I have to battle. And that's ok. I'll jump into this battle.
Because I already know who wins